To Protect You
by 9r7g5h
Summary: She had to protect her until she could become herself again. Headcanon fic.


**AN** : So, a long while ago, on tumblr, an anon sent me the following request: "Do you ever wonder about an AU where Xena and Gab were resurrected far away from everybody else in S5? Where Gab remembers the choice she'd made in 4x21 as she takes up the sais, while Xena remains the "innocent" knowing only her love for Gabrielle? Where it stays like this for a whole arc, and Gab's musing on the irony of getting the Xena she'd thought she wanted and vowing to do "whatever it takes to protect her" fully plays out dramatically instead of being a fast bit of dialogue with Eli?" I wrote the following headcanon, but never posted it here. I hope you enjoy!

 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Xena.

* * *

First, let's look at Xena. Honestly, is she even really Xena anymore? Without her memories of violence, which, honestly, so much of her life has been, what does she really remember? Does she remember Lyceus is dead, that Toris hates her, and that she only just made amends with her mother? Because all of that was born out of violence, so it's quite possible she still thinks her family is safe and sound at home. Does she remember she had a son- Solan was conceived between battles, was born in the middle of a war, and died a quite violent death. And the one time she really met him, she as fighting her old warrior. Does she remember how she met Gabrielle? Saving her from the slavers was still a violent act, even though it was done for good. Does she even remember much of her life with Gabrielle? Because it seemed like they got into fights at least once a day, and if the memory wipe got rid of all violent memories, it took those as well.

So now, I guess the question is are ONLY the violent memories gone, or are all the memories giving context to the violence also gone as well? Does Xena remember everything else about her life, or are the quiet, peaceful moments between the battles gone as well? Does she remember setting up the camp, but not how she got there?

Which makes me wonder if Xena is really Xena. Would Gabrielle, after those first few days, be able to look at Xena and recognize her? Especially since so much of who Gabrielle has become has been entrenched in violence- Hope, Alti, Caesar, every warlord Gabrielle's helped to take down has been through violence. We know Xena looks at Gabrielle and loves her, yes, but does she even really know who Gabrielle is anymore?

I'm not sure she does. She's innocent of her crimes now, yes, but she's also someone entirely new without them. And that's something they'd have to deal with.

And speaking of that entirely new person, there's the little issue of Xena not remembering but the rest of the world does. How is Xena going to react when they come across someone she wronged? How many times is she going to stand there, confused and hurt and so utterly sad when people run from her, absolutely terrified, because the last time they met, she tried to kill them? Would a Xena without her memories even be able to stand that?

Would her love for Gabrielle be enough?

Now, let's look at Gabrielle. A Gabrielle who's spent years killing, and is now coming to terms with the fact that she's killed without a second thought just for Xena. Now, I don't think Gabrielle would regret saving Xena, but she would still regret the lives she took. And this Gabrielle would have to come to terms with her new position as the protector without Xena there to help her work through it. You mentioned that they resurrected away from everyone else- at least in that group, there's also Joxer and Amarice to help, to take a little bit of the burden off of her. But not in this AU. In this AU, it's a constant 'kill or be killed' as Gabrielle tries to get the both of them to safety. And Gabs isn't used to that. She's used to not killing people, and to make the sudden switch without help or support?

It must be devastating for her.

And she also has to deal with Xena not having her memories. With Xena pretty much being useless, like Gabrielle was in the beginning. But Xena, when Gabrielle first joined, had over a decade's worth of experience in training other people- I'm sure some of her warriors came to her needing it. But who has Gabrielle ever trained? Does she know the first thing about teaching someone to defend themselves, especially since she's still learning how to do it herself?

And does she even want to teach Xena how to defend herself? It's probably needed, since the chances of them getting separated are high, but I could see part of Gabrielle, at least in the beginning, shying away from the idea. Because Xena is finally free. Xena doesn't have this horrible past hanging over her anymore, all these awful crimes weighing her down- she's been redeemed, and can be someone new.

Would Gabrielle really be able to take that away from her?

The answer would probably be yes, because, again, Xena without her memories isn't really Xena. I imagine, after a week or so, it would begin to freak Gabrielle out- the two of them would be talking, perhaps around dinner, and Gabrielle would make some comment about where they should go, where would be safe, and perhaps she drops the names of a few cities. And Xena just gives her this blank stare, and there's this awkward silence until Gabrielle remembers that Xena has no idea what those cities are, because the only times she's ever been to them was either under the pretense of war or to fight to protect them from war. So she has no idea what Gabrielle's talking about. And after this happens enough times, would Gabrielle really be able to stand it for forever?

No, so they start training with staves- mostly non-violent weapons, though Gabrielle is well aware that they can still do some damage. And it must be so frustrating, because Gabrielle is so used to Xena being good at everything the first or second try, and yet before the end of their hour training Xena gives up and calls it. She's never fought before, and Gabrielle wasn't necessarily pulling her punches either, and so she's black and blue in a hundred places.

And Gabrielle demands that she fights, that she protects herself, that she comes back and be who she was- Gabrielle wants the Xena she fell in love with back, the one who knows her, the one she shared the last five years with, not this empty shell who has a confused look more often than not. And for the first time in, say, two weeks, Gabrielle breaks and cries. And who came back to life looks like Xena, sounds like Xena, loves her like Xena does, but she _isn't Xena_.

And Xena cries with her, because she's sorry, this isn't her fault but she knows so many of her memories are missing, that there are these giant blank spaces in her mind that she can't even begin to fill. She knows she's missing entire years, because her memories go from telling Lyceus to do his chores before walking out of the house to Gabrielle joining her by the fireplace that very first night, making references to things Xena, in her current state, couldn't even begin to understand. And Xena remember that she loves Gabrielle, she remembers every tender word, every touch, every kiss, but nothing else. She doesn't remember how Gabrielle's hair went from a long red to short gold, doesn't remember when Gabrielle got that hard glint in her eye, doesn't remember when she stopped pulling out her scroll every night and instead started sharpening weapons. She doesn't understand why Gabrielle is so hurt, doesn't understand why Gabrielle flinches ever so slightly whenever someone says the word 'hope,' and Xena just _doesn't understand_.

And she knows she won't, not without her memories. But does she even want them? Xena knows by now that who she was before was a horrible person, a person so full of rage and hate that they were willing to let the world burn if it would alleviate the pain in their chest the slightest bit. By now, Xena's heard the stories, and she hates who she was. Hates her more than anything else in the world, but without that half of her, she knows she's not whole. And who is she, if she's not her?

So you have all of this emotional stuff going on, with Gabrielle struggling with accepting this new Xena and Xena struggling with perhaps trying to get her memories back, and you also have them trying to get somewhere safe. Because they can't stay in Rome- everyone thinks they're dead, yes, but to stay would be the worst, because what if someone finds out they're alive? Then they'll have the entire country after them. But without her memories, what place would be safe for Xena? Because people are bound to discover she's alive eventually, and her old enemies would swarm for a chance to fight her. So Gabrielle's trying to find somewhere, anywhere, that they could go. And she wants to say the Amazons, but they're too far away, both tribes. Greece entirely is off the list. In fact, everywhere is completely off the list, because nowhere is safe. Nowhere is ever safe, Gabrielle realizes, and it never has been- she's just felt safe because Xena was there. But now she's not, not really, and there's nowhere for them to go.

So they don't. Gabrielle hates it, knows it's a giant risk, but she takes Xena along the mountain range, until she finds a cave that's large and can be easily covered and is at least a week's walk away from any civilization. She hunts nearby while Xena moves some rocks around, and soon enough they have a nice little place to sit and stay and think. It's cold- it's the middle of winter, and they only light a fire for as long as it takes to cook whatever Gabrielle was able to hunt (because hunting is violence, which Xena is incapable of) and to melt some snow. It's uncomfortable- they have nothing but the rags they woke up in and what Gabrielle was able to steal in that first town (neither of them having any money sucked). So mainly clothes, the sais, a few blankets and some starting food- nothing big or real that they normally traveled with. Xena remembers how to treat furs, kind of, so they start a pile on the floor for them to sleep on, but it's cold and wet and they don't last long.

The cave doesn't last long, only for a week, really, bringing the arc up to the end of its first month, when they're found.

Not by anyone truly dangerous, just a young man and dog, but the man recognizes them and pulls his knife. And ends up with a sai in his neck before he can move towards them, before he can utter a single word. And when his dog tries to attack, it takes the other, because Gabrielle refuses to let Xena get hurt by anyone, man or animal.

And Xena is horrified- it was one thing, killing soldiers, but the guy was barely a man, still in many ways just a boy, and they could have disarmed him. And Gabrielle just starts laughing- an angry, half crying laugh of incredibility, because this is _Xena_ preaching what Gabrielle spent years trying to say. And Gabrielle finally sees it the way Xena did- when someone you love can't fight, you have to do what you can to protect them. To do otherwise would be as good as killing them yourself.

They pack up and leave the moment she retrieves her weapons, and by then Gabrielle thinks it safe enough to start heading towards home, if they avoid the roads and travel at night, and don't get on a boat until they're long out of Rome. She tries to continue Xena's training, but it just doesn't work. Xena isn't a warrior in this life, and unlike Gabrielle was in the beginning, Xena's reluctant to become one.

So they travel, and they start to get used to this new, messed up dynamic of theirs- neither of them are happy about it, both of them are tired and stressed and confused about a thousand things, but they get used to it and they make it work.

They make it work until two things happen.

The first is Xena finding out she's pregnant- it's been almost two months by now, the month spent in Rome traveling around until they found the cave and the month after they left the cave, after they left Rome, still traveling slowly in secret until they can reach a country far enough away from Rome for them to feel safe (which is never, they'll never feel safe, but at least they can try to lie to themselves and say they are). Because I assume Callisto was still the one who brought them back to life, yes, even without Eli? So Xena would still be pregnant with Eve at this point, and she would still be showing signs of early pregnancy. She would be tired, nauseous, have these horrible mood swings and cravings, and eventually Gabrielle would force her to a doctor in the next town they came close to (at night, right before she closes, of course, and with Gabrielle's sias in hand to make her take them as her last customer).

And the doctor would tell her, and Gabrielle would ask if Xena knew who the father was, and Xena would say she had no idea. And of course she didn't, because she wouldn't know about Callisto, but also just because her entire memories of how they even died are just gone (death by crucifixion is still a violent death). She has no idea when she could have slept with someone other than Gabrielle before they died, and she certainly hasn't been sleeping with anyone since they came back to life, since both of them have been so confused about everything they just haven't wanted to really even touch each other (I could see that first night them having "we're alive" sex, but after that? Not really, no). But Xena doesn't have an answer, and she can't even explain that she legitimately doesn't know how she got pregnant like she can in canon, because for all she knows, she might. She might know who the father is, might have the memory somewhere locked away, but without her memories? She can't give a satisfying answer, which just hurts Gabrielle even more with the idea that Xena cheated on her and confuses Xena even more with questions about why she would cheat on Gabrielle.

So they leave the dr alive and with some money Gabrielle took from a bandit who tried to attack them a few days earlier, and they set off again- more confused, more angry, and both of them just hating the entire situation.

The second thing that happens is Gabrielle almost dies.

Gabrielle is not a solo fighter. She's always fought with other people, especially Xena, watching her back. In canon, we even see her hold her own for a while in one-on-one fights, but those aren't Gabrielle's strength. So fighting three, four, six people on her own, while also trying to make sure Xena isn't hurt? That would be incredibly hard for Gabrielle to get used to, and that's if she can get used to it.

And she's been able to, for the most part, sometimes just winning by the skin of her teeth, but she's been winning. Until now. There were just too many of them, and while she did still win, she also lost- a dagger to the side, and there was blood, so much blood, and Xena picks her up with strength Xena didn't know she had and she runs- she runs as fast as she can to the nearest village and begs someone, anyone, to save Gabrielle. Gabrielle is all she has, and even if she did have her memories, Xena would do anything to keep her safe, keep her alive, keep her well and happy and just ok.

It's hours later, when the dr comes and tells her that it looked bad for a while there, but that Gabrielle will be ok after some rest, that Xena makes a decision. Xena decides that she wants her memories back, that she needs to become who she was, because this new Xena isn't right. This new Xena has more questions about herself then she has answers, and this new Xena isn't good enough for this world, and this new Xena can't do the most important thing in the entire world- keep Gabrielle safe.

So they stay there for a couple of weeks, Xena tending to Gabrielle while she heals, and it's an interesting mess. Without Gabrielle there to protect her, Xena has to take care of herself in some interesting ways, using her smarts and her words and some skills she never knew she had to get herself out of some binds, all while dealing with being pregnant as well. But eventually Gabrielle is healed, and Xena tells her what she wants to do- Xena wants to reveal that she and Gabrielle are alive and well, and wants to find someone to force them to help her get her memories back.

So what do the two of them do? They cause the biggest ruckus they can, pretty much letting the entire world know they're alive and well and (Gabrielle's) still kicking ass, ensuring everyone will know soon.

And they start going home for real, the quickest way possible, sticking to the real roads in full daylight on these magnificent horses they manage to steal from some warlord, and it's going well. Sure, more people show up to try and kill them, but Gabrielle's getting better at fighting, and the horses are both warhorses as well (and the horses actually like Xena and Gabrielle), so it's more like 3 against whatever number showed up.

Until one of those parties that come crashing out of the bushes right towards them one day ends up being Joxer, Amarice, and Eli- dirty, tired, shell shocked over the loss of their friends, they too had slowly been traveling towards home, and their paths just happen to cross. And it's a beautiful reunion- crying, hugging, exclamations over Xena's swelling stomach, raised eyebrows when, when Xena's asked who the father is, she jerks her head towards Gabrielle (because by this point they've talked, and while Gabrielle still wants to know who the baby's father is, she more cares about the fact that the baby is Xena's. The father won't matter, in the long run- the baby is theirs, and theirs alone. It's more curiosity now than anything else, and Gabrielle's more than happy to claim the baby as her own as well). But there's just so much excitement and joy and love pouring from this little reunited group of friends, it's almost more than they can all take.

They make camp, feast as much as they can on their rations, and then listen to the tale of how Xena and Gabrielle came back to life.

And are utterly confused to find out that Xena doesn't remember anything as well.

It's Joxer who, in an offhanded comment, brings up Ares. He points out that Ares was the most connected to Xena's violent past, that he was the one who she dedicated at least a decade of her life to, so maybe they should go to him. And Gabrielle doesn't like, and neither does Xena (she's read Gabrielle's scrolls, in a desperate attempt to regain some form of memory, but it failed. It did, however, give her some frame of reference for some events), but they both agree that it might be for the best. That it might help them to have him.

So Xena calls for him, Ares comes, and there's another reunion- stiller, more formal, and when Ares realizes that Xena doesn't remember him but is working from a script she and Gabrielle made, he almost flips. But then he mentions the other, whole chakram, and offers them a deal…

And that, Anon, would probably be at least half a season long. After the events of the episode, taking the chakram, Xena getting her memories back, it all being good, there would be a real reunion. Xena would greet everyone once again with a clear head, able to remember the battles they fought and the wars they won together, not just the casual talks they had while fishing. She would remember who she herself was- there would be no more questions about her life (except, of course, who the father of her child was, since she still has no clue. Luckily, Callisto reveals herself very soon after, so there's not months of wondering after the memories are regained), no more time wasted trying to remember who she might have been, and she would be whole.

And there would be a reunion between Xena and Gabrielle- Xena who apologizes for making Gabrielle go through her transformation from pacifist to warrior alone, Gabrielle who makes it clear she's just glad that Xena is back, though she herself apologizes for not being strong enough to allow Xena her innocence, and Xena who states that she's glad she's back, glad that she has her memories and the pain that came with them, because they're who she is. It's not fun, but these last few months without them were worse, especially since losing the bad also meant she lost so much of the good. She lost herself, lost Gabrielle, and lost everything. But now it's back, and it'll be ok.

And, if I was writing this, that would be when they kiss for probably the first time in months, and it actually does seem like things will be ok.


End file.
